I bet my great grandfather would’ve been so impressed with how strong and tough I was just now when I dropped my iPhone on my face and didn’t even cry.
90% of my life is closing doors or telling my kids to close doors (and then telling them to close doors more gently next time).
14 Signs That You May Be Over Phony Numbered Lists On The Internet:
3yo, (patting my knee): “Daddy, someday I’ll be a good listener.”
My family went on vacation last week - I spoke on the radio yesterday about my 4yo’s favorite part of the trip.
4yo (tries zucchini): “It doesn’t taste like fruit. It doesn’t taste like vegetables. It doesn’t taste good - but it’s not bad!”
Hey scientists, you may have turned black watermelon seeds white… but we have eyes and they’re definitely still there, so let’s not call them “seedless”.
My wife was stressed over clutter in our office. I tried to help by giving her a lap dance to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back”.
It didn’t work.
The boys are upstairs unsupervised, laughing, and singing a new song: “Naked butts! We’re always naked butts!”
I’m not going up there.
If corporations are people, can Amazon adopt me?
Lymph nodes are great for when you want to occasionally think that you have neck cancer.
4yo: “I’m thirsty!”
3yo: “When I’m thirsty I drink my Throat Water!”
(Proceeds to theatrically swish and swallow his own spit)
Me: “Eat your dinner.”
3yo: “I have 2 stomachs. One is for food, one is for ice cream. The food stomach is full. Let’s have some ice cream!”
Just saw a bald eagle pluck a fish from a federally protected river… while doing a 360 spin at 45 mph in a 1500 hp jet boat.
I just called my wife “fancy” for microwaving her leftover Olive Garden breadstick instead of eating it cold like us commoners.
4yo: “I thought I saw a man with no pants and no underpants on, but it was just a horse.”
2yo entering room, naked from the waist down: “Look at my new dance move!”(Touches butt)(Touches mouth)(Butt)(Mouth)(Butt)(Mouth)
2yo: “He just smacked me in the eye with his foot!”
4yo (outraged by the accusation): “No I didn’t! IT WAS MY ANKLE!”
My 4yo just asked where babies come from and my 2yo wants a smart phone.
I gave them jelly beans, Backyardigans, and pretended not to hear.
Me, to 2yo: “Do you know what you’re going to be next week?”
Me: “What? No. You’re going to be 3!”
2yo: (walks away)
Hey - today is the LAST day to enter to win a free vacation for four from Palace Resorts and Funjet Vacations! Here are some reasons you need to enter this drawing:
1) Your backyard doesn’t look like this:
2) You do not have live Michael Jackson stage shows in your living room:
3) This water park is better than letting your kids squirt you in the face with a garden hose:
4) You need a place to show everyone what an amazing surfer you are (Can you believe that I’m self taught?):
5) Tantrums are just more special when you’re on vacation (We wouldn’t let them eat only lollipops for dinner at the all-inclusive Japanese restaurant):
6) The beds are apparently comfortable:
7) And because of this. Just enter already.
Thanks again to Palace Resorts and Funjet Vacations - my family had a once-in-a-lifetime experience on our trip. YOU NEED TO WIN THIS.
Me: “Be nice to him - he’s your brother.”4yo: “NO HE’S NOT! I’m HIS brother!!”
Grocery shopping today. Decided to splurge and got my boys a 12 pack of microphone-telescopes!