3yo: “Mama, I have a surprise! Mama. Mama! MAMA!”
Wife, (opens her eyes and turns his way)
3yo: “NOOOOO!! DON’T LOOK AT MY SURPRISE!!!”
My wife suggested we make pizza by putting sauce and cheese on leavened flat-bread and then grill it.I told her that seemed like a naan issue.
"Do not mistake my kindness for weakness."
- Al Capone, (also me, just now, to my boys while putting them back into bed for the 4th time)
Plastic wrap is tin foil for people who hate themselves.
3yo (while insisting the four of us hold hands): “Let’s all stick together - just like a puzzle!”
4yo, (singing Katy Perry): “I’ve got the eye of the DIAL! AISLE! (mumbles a line) AISLE!”
My 3yo caught me eating his potty-training reward jelly beans by the handful. I told him it was okay because I used the potty. A lot.
The only thing better than spending Friday night with your kids is when your parents are spending Friday night with your kids.
I bet my great grandfather would’ve been so impressed with how strong and tough I was just now when I dropped my iPhone on my face and didn’t even cry.
90% of my life is closing doors or telling my kids to close doors (and then telling them to close doors more gently next time).
14 Signs That You May Be Over Phony Numbered Lists On The Internet:
3yo, (patting my knee): “Daddy, someday I’ll be a good listener.”
My family went on vacation last week - I spoke on the radio yesterday about my 4yo’s favorite part of the trip.
4yo (tries zucchini): “It doesn’t taste like fruit. It doesn’t taste like vegetables. It doesn’t taste good - but it’s not bad!”
Hey scientists, you may have turned black watermelon seeds white… but we have eyes and they’re definitely still there, so let’s not call them “seedless”.
My wife was stressed over clutter in our office. I tried to help by giving her a lap dance to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back”.
It didn’t work.
The boys are upstairs unsupervised, laughing, and singing a new song: “Naked butts! We’re always naked butts!”
I’m not going up there.
If corporations are people, can Amazon adopt me?
Lymph nodes are great for when you want to occasionally think that you have neck cancer.
4yo: “I’m thirsty!”
3yo: “When I’m thirsty I drink my Throat Water!”
(Proceeds to theatrically swish and swallow his own spit)
Me: “Eat your dinner.”
3yo: “I have 2 stomachs. One is for food, one is for ice cream. The food stomach is full. Let’s have some ice cream!”
Just saw a bald eagle pluck a fish from a federally protected river… while doing a 360 spin at 45 mph in a 1500 hp jet boat.
I just called my wife “fancy” for microwaving her leftover Olive Garden breadstick instead of eating it cold like us commoners.
4yo: “I thought I saw a man with no pants and no underpants on, but it was just a horse.”
2yo entering room, naked from the waist down: “Look at my new dance move!”(Touches butt)(Touches mouth)(Butt)(Mouth)(Butt)(Mouth)